I Am Stuck

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Psalm 119:33  The Message (MSG)

33-40 God, teach me lessons for living   so I can stay the course.
Give me insight so I can do what you tell me— my whole life one long, obedient response.
Guide me down the road of your commandments;  I love traveling this freeway!
Give me a bent for your words of wisdom,  and not for piling up loot.
Divert my eyes from toys and trinkets,  invigorate me on the pilgrim way.
Affirm your promises to me– promises made to all who fear you.
Deflect the harsh words of my critics—but what you say is always so good.
See how hungry I am for your counsel; preserve my life through your righteous ways! 

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Have you ever had things happen in your past that you can’t seem to forgive or forget, and so you relive them?

  What lingers from yesterdays somehow creeps into today and tomorrow and you feel undone?  Are you walking in the sludge of anger, bitterness, sorrow, shame, pain and regret?  Listen to my heart from last night … and see if you can relate

I drove by your home last night and there were no lights on … the windows were dark.  It reminded me of my life there … so very, very dark.  I was so alone.  And  once again I remembered the dark days and nights.  I remembered the hurt and the pain.  I shuddered in the winter night as my thoughts went back in time, and I clicked the heater in my car to the next level, so that I could feel the warmth upon my feet. 

I am filled with sorrow. 

As I turned the corner, I could hear my children laughing and then crying.  How could I have made it better?  What could I have done?  How did things go so terribly wrong? 

I am filled with guilt. 

While driving down the familiar road, I am now

I am now getting further and further away from you and yet the darkness still envelopes me. 

I am filled with fear. 

Waiting … waiting … waiting … the red light turns green and my foot presses against the pedal to move forward.  But I cannot.  I have hit a patch of snow and ice and the tires spin. 

I am stuck. 

I am reminded of how I can get into this place in my mind and it plays over and over like an old record on my stereo.  I cannot move.  Yesterday continues to lurk like a passenger in the back seat.  I look over my shoulder and your house is huge and billowing over my car.  I press harder on the pedal and the car jerks forward.  I look ahead and my mind looks behind.  

  I am angry. 

The quiet voice of my dear spouse, Dean, shatters the silence as he mentions his thoughts about tomorrow.  I look at his shadowed silhouette against the blackness and see a ray of light bounce from the streetlight off of his nose.  He rambles on with his thoughts and I sigh while feeling his love.

 I am thankful. 

The night continues and my farmer settles in for a nap while I am driving.  But the familiar route brings my mind back to the past again.  I try to fight it, but it takes over and the swirling of voices in my head, of regrets, of heartbreak, linger in the air, and I’m sullen. 

I am in pain. 

And the snow flies and the miles separate us and I begin to breathe again.

 I am listening. 

Your still quiet voice, God, gently prods at my heart and reminds me now of the cross.  Your cross.  Your suffering.  The Life that was replaced for my sins walks in, like a big strong wind that blows open the door of my heart and mind, and I’m reminded of my bitterness, my anger and resentment, and they long to hold me prisoner.

 I am repentant. 

And now it pours out and the tears stream down.  It always comes back to this one key point.  You see, I was a little girl and so very insecure.  I did not realize how very important it was to make sure about God’s plan for my life, and I ran ahead of Him, fighting and pulling and stretching and insisting on my way.  But my way was definitely the wrong way, and God’s … well, I didn’t seem to care.  All that mattered was that I thought I was taking the right path.   

I was wrong. 

The Holy Spirit whispers in my soul, “You are forgiven.  I have made things right.  You must move ahead and trust me for the rest.  You cannot hold on to the bitterness and hatred.  It is a ploy to open doors that engulf you in a world of strife.  Keep walking.  Keep moving forward.  Be grateful.  Be thankful.  Live life.  Don’t live in sorrow and regret.  Let me have those, and live your life to the fullest. 

I am in awe. 

And so, with His comforting words, I open my Bible this morning and I read how God has loved me enough for what I need. Not just what I needed thirty two years ago, but what I need each and every day.   I will quit striving to fix what I cannot undo.  I will forgive you.  I will look around and see my children laughing now, living in light, not darkness.  You God, have come into our world and you have snapped on the lamps on the end tables.  You have switched on the lights in the room, the porch lights, the garage lights, and we do not walk in darkness.  We are surrounded by Your light. God, my pledge to you today is that I will not waste another moment regretting or being filled with bitterness.  I will live and love.  I will encourage and care.  I will be thankful and embrace.  And for Your death, I will be eternally grateful.

 I am alive.